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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23316832">Say You're Not In Love With Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkilovetoread5/pseuds/idkilovetoread5'>idkilovetoread5</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>RuPaul's Drag Race RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, Just read and see, Kinda, Unrequited Love, it's not too sad, just a lil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:00:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,567</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23316832</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkilovetoread5/pseuds/idkilovetoread5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She had promised herself the moment she met Trixie she wouldn't allow herself to fall, to become attached. It had seemed easy enough at first.. that is until Trixie slowly began to chip away Katya's armor, her brick wall she had so tiredly built around her heart. No one knows her better than Trixie. And that says something. Katya doesn't tell anyone anything. Katya is anything but an open book yet it seems she's allowed Trixie to read all the pages. </p><p>"Say you're not in love with me." Trixie yells, chin up, trying to appear strong when really she's breaking inside. "I want to hear you say it." </p><p>"Trixie no-"</p><p>"Katya, say it!"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Say You're Not In Love With Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've written for quite a few years, but never trixya! I hope you enjoy! Please leave comments and constructive criticism if needed!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Trixie's eyes are wide and curious. Katya knows exactly what's to come and she can feel her whole body growing cold. Trixie's mouth is open now and words are spilling, her voice high and revealing. This is her heart she's exposing, such sweet words of declaration coming from such a sweet girl.</p><p>Katya remains stiff, wishing she had the power to stop it. All of it. To stop Trixie's feelings toward her, the fear. Every single bit of it.</p><p>"Katya, are you listening? Did you hear what I just said?" Katya nods stiffly, swallowing hard, fingers digging hard into her palms, creating little crescent moons into the pale skin that lies below her short fingernails. "I said I'm in love with you!" Trixie repeats, voice cracking, wet eyes searching the blank canvas that is Katya's face.</p><p>"SAY SOMETHING!" </p><p>"I KNOW! I know you are, okay?" The loud response causes the taller of the two to jump, hurt in her eyes. It crushes Katya to see, so she looks down, feeling her heart drop into her stomach and shatter, acid eating away at it, shards from the broken pieces stabbing away at her insides. It‘s so painful and cruel but it's Trixie she's most worried about. </p><p>When Katya finally moves, her hands try to take hold of Trixie's but she yanks them away, clearly destroyed. It's understandable. All the signs that this love was requited is right there and has been there the entire time, but Katya never thought it'd get to this point even though all of her relationships end this way. It's always the same. There's a declaration of love and screaming and crying and slamming doors. </p><p>Except this time it's Trixie, and the last thing she would ever want is to hurt Trixie. "Are you not going to say it back?" Trixie sounds so small and defeated, absolutely destroyed. But Katya shakes her head anyways.</p><p>Trixie takes a step back, eyes squinting, a single hand resting on her stomach as if to keep herself grounded. The hurt in her eyes is unavoidable. "You're lying. You HAVE to be lying, Kat. The flirting, the nicknames, the.. the sleepovers and touching! For the longest time Violet and the other girls have been giving us shit for acting like two dykes in love and you're saying you feel nothing?" Katya's mouth opens, but she can't find the right words. "I know you love me, I know you do.." This, Katya agrees with. "Of course I love you, Trix." The life sized barbie crosses her arms, trying to appear strong despite the tears streaming down her face. "But not in that way, right? That's what you're going to say. You love me, but not like that, not in the way I love you." This prompts Katya to massage her forehead, unable to see her best friend cry for another second. "Why not??" After a long pause, this question causes Katya to snap back, alert once more. "Huh?" Trixie huffs and stomps her foot like an annoyed toddler, a gesture Katya would usually find quite endearing. "Why don't you love me... Why aren’t you IN LOVE with me? Am I not your type? Do I laugh too loud? Is it the clothes I wear or the way I put way too much sugar into my coffee because I sure as hell know it's not because our lack of chemistry." Trixie's right and Katya knows it. No one can make her laugh like Trixie and no one makes her feel those irritating little creatures in her stomach whenever she's near like she can, either. They're magnets, forever drawn to each other. They are the matching pieces to each other's puzzle and yet...  "It's not like that Trixie and you know it.." Katya’s not being fair and she's aware. Trixie has every right to have come to such a conclusion.</p><p>Katya flirts, and she flirts a lot. And girls tend to come and go like flies. She loves women and they love her but it never lasts longer than a week. She likes to have someone around, someone to chat with and fuck senseless when the urge arises but Trixie deserves so much better than that. She deserves a partner who is normal, someone who can handle the ups and downs of a relationship. Not her. </p><p>She had promised herself the moment she met Trixie she wouldn't allow herself to fall, to become attached. It had seemed easy enough at first.. that is until Trixie somehow slowly began to chip away at her armor, the brick wall she had so carefully built around her heart. </p><p>No one knows her better than Trixie. And that says something. Katya doesn't tell anyone anything. Katya is anything but an open book yet it seems she's allowed Trixie to read all the pages. </p><p>"Say you're not in love with me." Trixie spits, chin up, trying to appear strong when really.. she's breaking inside. "I want to hear you say it." </p><p>"Trixie, no-"</p><p>"Katya, say it!"</p><p>"I can't be in love with you! There! Are you happy?"</p><p>Trixie goes silent and immediately Katya begins to walk towards her. "Wait... I'm sorry, Trix.. c'mere.. " Trixie's heading for the door and Katya can see their friendship crumbling before her very eyes. It's all too much and she hates herself for this, hates herself for making Trixie cry. It's the worst thing she could ever do.</p><p>The girl in pink grabs the door knob, hands shaking, her breath uneven and loud. The world feels as thought it's spinning and she's going to die right then and there from both embarrassment and a broken heart. 'Are you happy?' Katya had said. "No, I'm not." Trixie replies, lower lip trembling. And now all Katya wants to do is nibble on it, all pink and plump. </p><p>"I can't be."</p><p>"You said that already."</p><p>"No I didn't!" Katya snaps back. There's an uncomfortable silence that follows and the two just stand there, Trixies hand still on the door, ready to leave like so many others before her. "I said I couldn't be in love with you." </p><p>"I don’t want to hear it anymore! St-" Katya interrupts Trixie, holding up her index finger to demand silence, causing Trix's lips to shut, body cowering at the door like a wounded animal. "I said I can't be, not that I’m not." Her hand lowers and the look on Trixie's face turns from hurt to confusion, her brain trying to unravel it all. "I don't do this.. relationships. Love." Katya points back and forth from Trixie to herself. "I don't know how. I can't be selfish with you." They both sigh in unison. "You're trying to scare me away." Trixie says quietly. It's so obvious that Katya stays silent, eyes still on that glossy lower lip. "Katya, i don't want normal, I want you. And I think you know that. I think that scares you." Scares her? It terrifies her. "Trixie, I'm not that girl, I never have been, I don't know how to be that for you." Any minute now Katya expects her to leave, but she doesn't. Trixie is fully facing her now, hand off the knob, her back against the wooden door instead. "I can teach you." She whispers, long lashes batting quickly. She does this whenever she's nervous, a habit Katya had picked up on. Every mannerism and every vocal change is a clue to the world that is Trixie Mattel and Katya never wants to leave it. She IS in love with her, she has been for a long time. </p><p>"You shouldn't have to teach me."</p><p>"But I will." Trixie interrupts, another bad habit Katya has come to adore, even though it can be rather annoying at times.</p><p>The russian sighs, swallowing hard before motioning for Trixie to come towards her. She does, slowly, her pace careful. "Hurry." She orders. "Fucking kiss me already, Trix." She does as told. Trixie cants her head downwards and allows their lips to collide, it's sweet, passion filled and warm. They're a perfect fit and with every movement or flick of the tongue they become more and more desperate, Katya tasting the salt from Trixie's tears. Their heads turn to different sides naturally, Katya's hands roaming. First they're on Trixie's shoulders, then hips, then ass. She squeezes and pulls her close, causing Trixie to moan into her mouth, hands finding solace in Katya's wavy blonde locks. It's perfect. It's right. And when they pull away, they both feel empty. This is going to be a thing. They are going to be a thing. "You scared me." Trixie replies breathlessly, still dizzy from their kiss. But at least she's smiling now, and that's enough to stop the fear from rattling Katya's bones. "I know." </p><p>With great need, Trixie tries to kiss her again, but Katya stops her. "No." Trixie looks puzzled, almost hurt. Not again, she thinks. But she's soon relieved, ecstatic even when Katya explains with a single word. "Bedroom." Katya whispers, a desperate rasp to her voice. And as she begins to pull Trixie towards the room, the speedy pace of her movements causes Trix to burst into a fit of giggles.  There's no turning back. Katya knows that. She's going to be someone's girlfriend, a real girlfriend. And she can't think of anyone else she'd rather go on this rollercoaster with than Trixie fucking Mattel.</p>
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